J M J
THE GREATEST OBSTACLE TO HOLINESS IS NONCOOPERATION WITH THE GRACE OF GOD
O Lord, I ought not complain on the lack of graces but on their excess. I will have to give an account of each one of them and I know that to whom much was given, much will be demanded. And how do I, O Lord, make use of them? What kind of progress have I made in holiness? Do I love you more than others? Am I at least grateful to you?
You know best how I pay you back. Not only do I not make use of the graces which you send me, but I never even thank you for them, as if I had the right to them. I never stop to reflect on them. Meditations about the goodness of God distress and tire me; I have lost interest in this topic. Even as I am writing at this moment, I feel this way. Meditation presents me with points to analyze God’s graces and yet I cannot find it in my heart to do so. I know that God has been very generous with me but analyzation at this time is difficult for me.
I have asked the Lord that he himself should tell me that I should consider as the greatest grace and from what I will have to give the greatest account. It occurred to me that the Blessed Sacrament is the greatest grace because Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament is the Giver of all graces. He is the source from whom all graces flow. Therefore, it is from the frequent exposition of the Blessed Sacrament and from daily Holy Communion that we will have to give the most terrible account. I, in the meantime, not only do not derive any benefit from these graces, but I do not even feel grateful; neither do I experience any happiness. I do not know what to do – should I receive Holy Communion or not, because I receive it with such a weak faith and without feeling the presence of God. I do not even realize that he is in my heart, and yet it is difficult for me to be without him for one day. When I think of the future that we might not be allowed to receive daily, I feel much pain I pity all religious persons who cannot receive Holy Communion as frequently as we do. Whence this feeling? Perhaps from habit, certainly not from love, because sometimes I feel that I make light of this sacrament; sometimes I do not feel like humbling myself before Father and asking him for confession or sometimes because of other reasons, even if I could receive, I do not approach the altar for several days.
At adoration I feel such a lack of faith, such laziness, such a lack of reverence that I sometimes do not feel like even bowing my head. Oh, Lord! do not send me these temptations against faith because I sometimes yield to them. I am especially afraid of this because it seems to me that I am disposed to be worldly-wise, as if I took pride in that.
I also consider it (it certainly is no to my credit) a grace to be able to influence others very easily. I cannot help myself, neither can I discern between good and evil, but with others, it is entirely different. If I wanted to do so, I do not think there is a person on whom I could not have some influence. It is a gift certainly not for me personally, but for others. I should cooperate with this grace because I will be accountable for every soul whom I could and am obliged to help but do not want to do so. However, dear Lord, why do you give me this grace and yet do not give me a fondness for it, but on the contrary, a loathing for it.