J M J
THE NEED FOR A PERFECT RETURN TO GOD
I feel the need for a complete conversion but it seems to me as impossible unless a miracle takes place. I have fallen into such a moral inertia. I feel so helpless towards everything that is good and so inclined towards everything that is evil, that it is difficult for me to even start this work on my soul, and what about persevering in it. Maybe God will do with me as he did with Saint Augustine whom he drew to himself despite his unwillingness. He will also convert me, perhaps, without my cooperation, but this is blasphemy. After all, God himself said: Without you, I created you, but without you, I cannot save you; While I do not feel any desire or any courage to really discipline myself.
I ma an example of that sad adage, that the greatest sinner will sooner return to God than a cold religious. My disposition is such, that it seems to me, no one, not even Father can make an impression on me. The holiest things, like Holy Communion, Confession, the Sacrifice of the Mass, conferences, spiritual books are of no benefit to me. Nothing can lift me from this spiritual apathy. It seems to me that the only thing which could save me would be a command under obedience to do the good which I ought to be doing, because of myself I am totally incapable. My condition is worse than that of a newly converted sinner because he is drawn to God by grace, which leads one to that which is good and removes one from that which is evil. I, however, have wasted that grace; I have not responded to it, and so, it has left me and now I have been left alone, with a natural tendency to evil.
How does one improve herself when not only in one or in several things but in all things there is this need (…)